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Things she once said

She said she watches me everyday as I grow into a wonderful young lady.  keep and open mind and make every decision mine.

She said you’re just like me but more influential. You can stand on my own 2 feet.

She said every mistake I’ve made has made me better and every wrong doing I’ve encountered has made me stronger

She said put your heart into everything you do. Think about what you wnat and get it liek it’s the last item on the shelf

SHe said don’ be scared. Face everything head on with your head held high and take everything in stride.

She said if no one else believes in you….I DO. I’ll stand beside you

She said don’t hold back your tears as they are the release of every pain and fear.

She said its ok to let go, be free, be me and be selfish for once. Don’t be so defensive. let someone in.

These are the things she has said to me. I’m not sure how to go about it or what to think about it. Where do I start??

How does she know everything that is going on when she’s been gone for so long? So far away but seems so close. So close that I can feel your presence

Why now? Whats wrong? Whats right? Seems like you arrive in time for every fight

Trapped Within (unfinished)

I can pretend that nothing is wrong and act like I don’t care what people think but I would lying to everyone including myself. At times I feel trapped within with the fear of truly letting go and letting people in. I’m surrounded and appreciated by many people but what you fail to realizeis that every night I sit wanting, wishing, thinking that someone could come save me. A shoulder to lean on and a chest to bury my face in and let all the tears run… Looks can be very deceiving and I’m guilty of deception…..I don’t want to show the struggle but I’m scared and can hardly breathe

Scared to tell those how I truly feel inside. Loud, outspoken, strong and stable is what i seem. I am those things but I’m also sad, confused, guarded and frightened! At times I feel like I’m the only person i can tell my secrets too. Wishing i could open up and tell you but your perception and expectations of me puts those wants aside. Ive never felt so unaccomplished and accomplished at the same time!

Have you ever felt like all you’re doing is working, working, working, but not hard enough to cover up or fulfill what you really want? Do you keep yourself occupied most of the time to ease the mind?

I do…..all the time

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or going at the right pace. I’m truly lost within. My minds consumes me and to trust one person with my thoughts seems impossible. All the people that surround me: facebook friends, twitter friends, co workers, family, random people I’ve come across and those that have known me for years say ‘hey you can tell me anything, I CARE’

Do you? I don’t believe you.

I often wonder what I’m actually capable of…

It’s been a while….

It’s been so long since I’ve thought about writing something down. I actually haven’t been on my Blog in since February! That’s insane. Last time I checked myself I actually was doing well. Now I feel numb, useless, uninspired, lost, delayed…..

What’s wrong???? What’s right???

A few moments of friendship are worth a lifetime of wonderful memories. Never ignore a friend who is Always there for you, cares for you and can tell no difference between your failures or your victories. Because one day you may wake up from your sleep and realize that you have lost the moon while counting the stars
Anonymous

Originally this piece was a short letter to a Soul Reaper. I went deep but, apparently not deep enough according to the feedback I received. I decided to take it there and I hope it takes you there! Enjoy……

                                                 VICTIM

Waking up everyday with a smile on my face nearly seems impossible!! I’ve been through more than anyone can imagine and I want my life back!! I want it all back!!! I refuse to play a victim lying in a pool of your mistakes and disappointments. You’ve held me down, pinned me to the ground!! Stripped me from all I’ve known and watched me fall. I must be living in hell because i can’t remember the last time I literally laughed out loud. I’ve become a curse, a burden. The rain falling on my pillows leave my face soaking. I don’t know how many times I’ve closed my eyes wishing I could turn back time. I wish I could change or make you love me more. This would only leave my heart sore some more. I constantly walk around like nothing is wrong. Wearing a smile when I’m really broken down. What did I do to get treated like this? I’m like the evil step child when I initially thought I was the angel. I’m asking for forgiveness not knowing my mistake. Wishing, hoping and searching for someone like me out there. Someone who can understand my beautiful nightmare. Nothing even matters because its all becoming to much. I don’t know who or what to trust.

I’m not ok. I’m not fine! When will I be happy for more than 5 minutes? When will my eyes stop being consumed with tears? When will my thoughts no longer be my fear? When will my heart stop being cold and unfilled? I’m not what everyone makes me out to be. I can’t take everything. Fighting and living for nothing is what my life seems. Working hard for material things to hide the truth. Now I’ve become someone I don’t want to be. Life was easier when it was all a lie and you still haven’t said sorry!!! You probably wouldn’t mean it anyway but, that’s all I wanted to hear. I shed another tear. I still wanted you to be there, I needed you, I still do!! I have to let go. No longer playing a victim. Someone else can play Russian Roulette and take the shot to the heart even when standing back up was the hardest part.

You can have it all! The car, the apartment, the clothes, the money, my heart and my soul. Just get out of my thoughts so I can sleep easy. Tossing and turning in these hot sheets are getting the best of me. Crying helps but doesn’t solve anything. Alcohol became my best-friend but, not better than my best-friend. When they weren’t around, tequila went down like water. I needed it to survive, have a good time and escape my thoughts. I refuse for you to have it all and walk around like nothing is wrong. I can’t breathe nor think straight knowing you getting the best of me. I can’t wait for karma to bring you down. I’ll be watching you fall. Don’t hold your hand out asking for forgiveness now because part of me wants to see you drown!!

WAIT

That wouldn’t be right. That’s all rage. No the real me at all, I’ll be ok. I promise. I will no longer be trapped in your cage. No longer full of rage. I can set myself free and finally be me. At least I’ll always know that I stepped  on no one to get where I am thus far…….

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